Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This day sucks.

Today I woke up feeling sad....sleep deprived....angry.... depressed....paranoid....doubtful.....and crampy. And like there was something coming out of me..and sure enough, their she was--the red headed beotch as she is well known. And boy was she back, and back with a vengeance. It's like she knew that I didn't want to see her for the next nine months and her feelings were all hurt so she was getting back at me. But, seriously, I was really hoping not to have to mess with these darn things again for a while.
I knew it was coming so it's not like I was all surprised or whatever, but that doesn't change how easy it is to just feel bummed out. I know this was only cycle #1, and I know that sometimes it just takes a while and blah blah blah blah. Still doesn't make it an easier, and anything anyone says really does not help. I just wanted to call in to work today, curl back up, go back to bed, and sleep the day away on my double dose of Aleve and my heating pad.

There is nothing compared to the feeling of wanting to become a mother, of wanting to become pregnant so badly that it aches inside. Nothing.

It's funny too how when you want to get pregnant it seems that everyone else around you is. I am not talking about this because I am angry or bitter, I am def. NOT, I am just making an observation. I love all of these people in my life to an extreme and I cannot wait for the future and for all these wonderful little babies. I love the thought of it. I am just starting to feel left out and want to be a part of it all...! Haha....

But anyways. So yes. This cycle was a total bust, and there is nothing I can do about it.

So on to better things....we have this whole next month to look forward to. Chris reminded me of that this morning when I stood at the counter getting my breakfast ready, miserable with pain and trying not to let him see the tears that were about to spill out of my eyes. He put his arms around me and was like don't worry about it, we are going to try again in a couple of weeks.....I was like I know..I know...he has been so awesome this past month. I am incredibly thankful for him.

So yeah, I really really wanted to get pregnant right away. And I really really wanted to have a baby in October. And have a baby in the Fall, our favorite time of year. And have a baby on our 5 year anniversary (that is when I would have been due). But oh well! This just proves to me even more that we are sooo not in control of this. It is going to happen all in God's perfect timing, and one day I am sure I will look back and think that this happened exactly how it was supposed to, and that I wouldn't want to change a thing.

On a much better note--
*Monday I am going to buy my bridesmaid dress for my best friend from HS's wedding, and I am going to get my normal size, yay! This is something that I kept thinking about and was a little stressed over. She is getting married at the end of May and even if I was to get pg in the next couple months it wouldn't show that much by then.
* My birthday is coming up next week. And yes I am going to drink. And eat tons and tons of seafood. It is going to be glorious.

No comments: