This day sucks.

Today I woke up feeling sad....sleep deprived....angry.... depressed....paranoid....doubtful.....and crampy. And like there was something coming out of me..and sure enough, their she was--the red headed beotch as she is well known. And boy was she back, and back with a vengeance. It's like she knew that I didn't want to see her for the next nine months and her feelings were all hurt so she was getting back at me. But, seriously, I was really hoping not to have to mess with these darn things again for a while.
I knew it was coming so it's not like I was all surprised or whatever, but that doesn't change how easy it is to just feel bummed out. I know this was only cycle #1, and I know that sometimes it just takes a while and blah blah blah blah. Still doesn't make it an easier, and anything anyone says really does not help. I just wanted to call in to work today, curl back up, go back to bed, and sleep the day away on my double dose of Aleve and my heating pad.

There is nothing compared to the feeling of wanting to become a mother, of wanting to become pregnant so badly that it aches inside. Nothing.

It's funny too how when you want to get pregnant it seems that everyone else around you is. I am not talking about this because I am angry or bitter, I am def. NOT, I am just making an observation. I love all of these people in my life to an extreme and I cannot wait for the future and for all these wonderful little babies. I love the thought of it. I am just starting to feel left out and want to be a part of it all...! Haha....

But anyways. So yes. This cycle was a total bust, and there is nothing I can do about it.

So on to better things....we have this whole next month to look forward to. Chris reminded me of that this morning when I stood at the counter getting my breakfast ready, miserable with pain and trying not to let him see the tears that were about to spill out of my eyes. He put his arms around me and was like don't worry about it, we are going to try again in a couple of weeks.....I was like I know..I know...he has been so awesome this past month. I am incredibly thankful for him.

So yeah, I really really wanted to get pregnant right away. And I really really wanted to have a baby in October. And have a baby in the Fall, our favorite time of year. And have a baby on our 5 year anniversary (that is when I would have been due). But oh well! This just proves to me even more that we are sooo not in control of this. It is going to happen all in God's perfect timing, and one day I am sure I will look back and think that this happened exactly how it was supposed to, and that I wouldn't want to change a thing.

On a much better note--
*Monday I am going to buy my bridesmaid dress for my best friend from HS's wedding, and I am going to get my normal size, yay! This is something that I kept thinking about and was a little stressed over. She is getting married at the end of May and even if I was to get pg in the next couple months it wouldn't show that much by then.
* My birthday is coming up next week. And yes I am going to drink. And eat tons and tons of seafood. It is going to be glorious.

Bahhhh

Two temp drops and two BFNs.
Things aren't looking good. I'm sure AF is gonna rear her ugly head any day.
I still have 4 more days for a normal 28 day cycle so I don't want to give up hope yet but unless my temp goes back up tomorrow then this cycle is a bust.
I am not going to lie, I am a little disappointed. According to fertility friend our "intercourse timing" got a "high" score, compared with my ovulation, so I was very hopeful. I know that thinking we would get pregnant on our first cycle was a lot to hope for but...I guess it was wishful thinking. I am going to go workout and keep on praying. This is all in God's hands.

quick update

Ok, so here's the low down.
I am 10 dpo, which is technically 4 days too early to test. But according to last months cycle, which was only 24 days, I can test on Sunday.
All ten of my temps have been above the coverline, which is good.
For like the past week and half I have had cramps at least a part of the day, some days I feel them like all day long.
The girls up top are a little tender but nothing to write home about.
And I feel nauseous right now, but that could seriously be because I ate way too much food at lunch and indulged in a little soda (gasp!) which I haven't drank in a long time.

So yeah...I think I am gonna test in the AM. If it's a BFN then I'm not testing again until next week until I hit the 28 day mark.
And that is that.

books, food and other things grand

So I have been meaning to write about this for a while but I keep forgetting. Chris and I decided not to buy each other presents for Christmas this year because we wanted to save money, plus we had just bought a really nice Canon camera on Black Friday. Well low and behold I get home from his fam's Christmas party on Christmas Eve (he had to work =( ... ) and he was all like...so did you look in your stocking today? And I'm like no...you cheated!!! So he was all excited because he bought me a present and couldn't wait to give it to me. So we're sitting there on the couch and I start to unwrap it, and low and behold, it's this book:Seriously, I started crying. I could absolutely not believe it. A couple weeks prior we were in Barnes and Noble and just happen to come across this. It looked pretty funny and I had stated how "I totally want that book when I get pregnant!" Not only did Chris remember, which was amazing, especially since I had forgotten all about it, but for petes sake people! He bought me A PREGNANCY BOOK! For me, ...for us...this was a big deal. And it really meant a lot. And even more it let me know that he was on board with this. I know it has been rough for him having to deal with me the past couple years.....since I have wanted this so badly that is!

Anyways, so the book is amazing. They are funny, witty and down right blunt. They even swear here and there. It's nice because it reaffirmed a lot of the things that Chris and I discuss/believe about food in general and eating habits. I have also learned a lot of new things about dairy, meat and soy. Chris is all freaked out that I am going to become a vegan now. That is not my goal, but I definitely am trying to NOT eat a lot of those things. Everything in moderation right? But I will not deprive myself if I want something. The best thing about this book is that it has this awesome food list of foods they reccomend that are really good for you, esp. while you are pregnant. Here is my first new amazing discovery:

Umm seriously.... BEST CEREAL EVER!!!! Especially with rice milk and a banana in it. I am addicted. It sucks because it's like $5 a box but man is it worth it. Chris loves it too which sucks even more because then it runs out faster. And it's totally one of those boxes that you open it and it's really only like 60% full. Why do they torture me so?

Yesterday I went grocery shopping and had been craving a burger all day long so I bought the Morningstar Veggie Burgers and Chris and I both tried them last night. They aren't too bad. And I would definitely continue to eat them in replace of beef.


Another thing I discovered on my trip was this dressing. (Not in the book) but it was by all the Organic dressings and they were on sale so I couldn't help myself. Not to mention the brand is Annie's! Seriously, it was calling me. And Goddess dressing it is...tonight when I ate my salad for dinner I could not help myself but open it. Even though we already have two open in the fridge...oopsie. =) It is AMAZING. Love it. Fav. new dressing.

Update tomorrow.

Hmm..interesting....

I have been wanting to post again but I was waiting for the red cross-hairs on my chart to show up. I finally gave up and fixed that temp from last Saturday that was messing with everything, it didn't count anyways since I temped 3 hours later than normal.


Implantation dip anyone? maybe.....

And now we get to play the waiting game. I love it, because this is so exciting and nerve-racking and fun. My sister and I were discussing this tonight. As anxious as I am to take the test soon and see if something will come out of all of this, at the same time one day I will look back and remember what a fun time period this was for us in our lives. But I still cannot wait. Chris was just in here looking at this with me, and he got all nervous..haha. He is cute. Not to mention that I feel like on and off throughout the past two days I have been cramping hardcore. My sis was saying how though it may just be that I am more aware of my body, which is totally true. Every little twinge of pain or anything I feel I automatically notice it and wonder if we are making a baby in there. It is a pretty cool feeling though.
My sister's chart is looking amazing as well. I would be so ecstatic if she got a BFP this month too...I love her so much. This would be really amazing experience to share with her (well we'll share it together either way, if one of us get's pg first or not or just whatever) but if we were at the same time it will make it even more special. There is no one else I'd rather go through this with, and there is no one that deserves it more than her. Besides wondering if God is going to bless us with a babe soon, she is in my thoughts constantly. Love that girl <3

Officially entering the fertile stage....

So I started using my OPKs on Saturday and this morning I got my first positive one!! Woot!! I was super excited. I always get so anxious during the five minutes while it's processing. I tried to distract myself by brushing my teeth....finally I ran out into the kitchen and showed Chris. He is so cute...he just gave me this cute little smile and laughed...then sort of looked at me like I was a crazy person, Ha! Then I got the side eye and the "How much were those things???"
After that while I got ready all morning I left if by the counter and kept looking down at it. Geez how am I going to feel when I get a BFP if I'm this excited just knowing that I'm going to O soon?

So hopefully either tomorrow morning or wed. morning I will hit my temp spike. Here is my chart as of this morning.


It's sort of messed up from the weekend, I had a huge temp. spike on Saturday but I am pretty sure that it due to the fact that I took it 3 hours later than normal.
Can't wait to see what my temps do the next couple days... =)

Weekend Fun.

In all meanings of the word. *winks*
Wow. We are gonna make some stunning babies. Are we sexy or what? ;)

Cheers with my dirty martini and Chris's chartreuse to possibly being the last weekend that I am able to drink for a long while. Bottoms up!

Gotta love Bar Divani. It is Divine.

Wooot!!

.....for unprotected sex.....haha...
and not having to worry about.

Interesting situation we have here....

I am pretty excited because AF is pretty much on her way out the door. I can't complain too much, this month was barely anything to be writing home about. But I am assuming that it's because it came 4 days early, therefore it being shorter and lighter.
Anyways so now I am not sure when exactly to pinpoint when I am going to ovulate which is sort of frustrating because I can't base my estimation off of a normal 28 day cycle. I have to go off of a 24-28 day cycle, giving me this span of 9 days. I did buy some of these bad boys that I plan to use but not sure when to start....they are supposed to tell you when you have your LH surge showing your two most fertile days. I think I am going to start on the second day of my "fertile span". We will see what happens.
I also started charting my basal body temps every morning. I wasn't going to do it but I decided why not..that way if I don't get my Happy Birthday BPF (yes by the way did I mention that I would be finding out right before my bday...? What a great present..) then in the following months I can start to try to track some sort of pattern.
Either way I'm looking forward to having some fun the good 'ol fashioned way without having to be careful. And for at least every other day for 9 days straight. woot!

uhhhh...cramps..

Well AF finally decided to grace me with her presence first thing this morning when I got up. I only say finally because I have been spotting for a couple days now so I knew she was coming early. Which is very very annoying. I think my cycle this month may have been a little messed up because I wasn't working out as regularly. We were just too busy with the Holiday season. So it goes....I am somewhat happy because the weekend is almost here and now I don't have to deal with this while sitting at work. But I was hoping that it wasn't going to come until necessary because not only do I get screwed out of my four extra days of not being on it (and now we can't have any fun this weekend, haha) but also because now my cycle will be off for next month.
January 12th I am having a root canal. I absolutely HAVE to get this done before I can get pregnant. I guess there is an infection festering underneath it, fun eh. They were telling me how if I get pregnant before getting it taken care of then my immune system will be focusing on the baby and the situation could potentially get way worse, not something that I want to deal with while being pregnant. So I made the appt. asap and that was as soon as they could get me in. I am not too worried that it matters much but I really wanted that to be all over with before I ovulated. Not like I can control it. Well hopefully this will be my last period for a while!! That would be...Simply. Amazing.

It's official.

We are officially TTC. I have been waiting to write this post for like almost two months now. It has taken everything in my power to not write it. After all, this is my "secret blog" that I've been working on for a while. Secret to my friends and family anyways. I'm not really telling people about it..they'll only stumble upon it if they think to look at my profile. I will announce it once the big event has actually occurred.
I have been looking forward to January 2009 for almost two years. Two years of incredibly hard, patient waiting. Two years of having the freakin' baby bug full blast on...two years of watching other people around me get pregnant and have babies...
And now, it is our turn.
And I could not be more excited. Ecstatic. Overwhelming happy and oh my gosh I wanna I seriously wanna toss my cookies cause it makes me to worked up thinking about all of this....
This year is hopefully going to be really great. And hopefully God is going to bless us with a little bundle before we can say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays again. I know it's not in our control we but are totally shooting for a fall baby. We are absolutely in love with fall, and what could possibly make it a better time of year but the joy of knowing that we are going to become parents?
Yes, waiting was definitely hard, but it was totally for the best. We both have great jobs (me especially which we were waiting for) which has also made us more financially stable.
I want to send out some sort of a warning right now. To anyone who may read this.... This is MY baby blog. I created this blog, because well, I love to blog. And I don't want to miss or forget anything from this TTC journey and my hopefully very soon to be pregnancy. I may often put waaaaaaaaay too many details on here that you just did NOT want to know. Or something I say may offend you in some way. But let's get to the point, if you don't like it....I'm not sure what to tell ya. This is totally going to be my place where I am releasing how I feel everyday, how I feel about certain topics, and also what is going on with my cycles, my body and all that fun fun stuff that you probably have no need to want to hear about. Oh well! Happy reading! :)

And now...a special note.

Dear Phantom Baby,
Please come and grace my body with your lovely little presence. I am soooo ready for you. I have spent several months making some lifestyle changes to prepare for you, just because I love you so much already and I don't even know exactly what that means since you aren't even real yet. But it has not been easy. I have spent several hours in the gym taking away from my Tivo! time and also totally slacked on my relationships with friends and family. I have completely changed my eating habits. This means trying to eat zero amount of food that is processed, or eating anything that has any amount of high fructose corn syrup in it. I will be officially giving up drinking alcohol soon. Your daddy and I celebrated last night with a little Happy New Year 2009 bottle of champagne. We hope that was our last new year celebration without you. I am doing these things in hopes to make you the healthiest little baby ever. I want to give you a good life from the second of your little implantation in my ute. I know that you are going to give me some awful morning sickness and probably make me real constipated, but I am so excited for it. And I cannot wait to start shopping for you. So please hurry and make your presence known soon. That would be super fantastic. Love you baby. ~Mama A